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Step onto any train during a New York winter and you're likely to see a frozen mass of sad humans, silent as they're consumed by their ravenous, head-to-toe black puffers.
It wasn't always this way. Back in the '80s, people were miserable andfashionable. Teenagers as well as their rad moms weren't scared of using color or trashy animal prints. In the Reagan era, you could still somehow see glimpses of real human bodies behind layers of coat and fabric.
This was the decade of the polka dot earmuffs, and we are all the better for it today.
SEE ALSO:Bumper cars on ice is perfect for those who don't know how to ice skateThe '80s left a legacy -- you can thank that generation for the fake fur on the hood of your coat. It's now time for us to indulge our deepest nostalgic desires and bring back the best of '80s winter wear.
Our eyeballs are depending on us.
1. Let's reintroduce the 1980s Triple Fat Goose
Credit: ebayTriple Fat Goose jackets from the '80s were so much more fun than modern day geese. They puffed, but within reason, and featured bodacious primary colors, perfect for grody to the max winter landscapes.
2. Give (fake) fur a chance
A Vogue model poses in 1984.Credit: Contour Style by Getty Images
Sylvester Stallone in 1982Credit: Corbis via Getty ImagesFur peaked in the '80s -- that is, before PETA stepped in and (rightly) told us that we were all committing murder. Cultural excess and trashy new money luxury are wonderful. Full fauxfur coats should be a winter wardrobe requirement.
3. More. Animal. Prints. NOW.
Credit: Ted Polhemus/PYMCA/REX/Shutterstock
Model Linda Evangelista posing in leopard print Russian squirrel in 1988.Credit: Contour by Getty ImagesKilling animals = bad. Copying and pasting their patterns = incredibly good.
4. ¡Sí se puede acid washed jean jacket!
Samantha Fox (Photo by Bob Riha Jr/WireImage)Credit: WireImageAcid washed jean jackets only make sense as winter jackets if you live in a superior climate. Still, sew some warm fleece lining in there and you'll immediately transform into the 1980s working class rebel you always dreamed you should be.
5. Bright colors, big windbreakers, that's where I want to go ...
Windbreakers are much more of a fall jacket, but in the pre-global warming/extreme weather era, they could also function occasionally during winter. They were obnoxiously loud and way more interesting to look at than any one of the gray peacoats you inherited from your mom.
5. Come back, come back, wherever you are mini-trench coats!
Christy Turlington wearing Gaultier's mini-trench for Vogue in 1987Credit: Arthur Elgort/Conde Nast/Contour by Getty ImagesTrench coats were a hallmark of the '70s and the '80s. No other coat was so uniquely skilled at storing black market Rolexes.
6. Anyone who's anyone must obtain a Snorkel Parka
Retweet if you had a Parker coat... pic.twitter.com/ITy38A4iao
— I❤80s 🕹 (@IL0VEthe80s) July 26, 2017
Orange lining and fake fur trims were the defining characteristic of the 1980s snorkel parka. 2018 would be a whole lot less depressing if we had far flashier lining (and a way less fascist president), IMHO.
7. Time to bust out that sweet '80s ski jacket lewk
Credit: etsyYour seasonal depression will melt away once you've blinded yourself with an '80s neon turquoise ski jacket.
8. We demand leather bombers
Australian actor Stefan Dennis in 1989.Credit: IPC MAGAZINES: CHAT/REX/ShutterstockYou don't have to go that hard on the patches to make leather bombers work, but a little corniness goes a long way toward your happiness.
9. Member's Only jackets, it's time to come to our rescue
Steve looking real slick with that Member's Only jacket. Mad respect... pic.twitter.com/11WRY5FUvX
— Andy Rogers (@sdstig) November 20, 2017
Stranger Things' Steve knows exactly how to dress for the cold, and that's with a super faddish 1980s Member's Only jacket.
Do not question Steve. Do not challenge his sartorial prescience. He is a creature of the '80s and binge-able television and is therefore, by definition, good.
Let's follow Steve's lead, throw on some Ray-Bans, and do everything we can to resurrect our shameless, indulgent, fluorescent, sparkling '80s selves.
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