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Every human has a place in the astrological universe. So too does every dog, cat, gerbil, building, vacuum cleaner, Fitbit, and anal plug.
The concept can be a little hard to swallow, especially for those skeptical of astrology in the first place. Still, for those who are open to it or drunk enough to listen, it resonates.
"Anything that's born into time has a horoscope, animate or inanimate," Christopher Renstrom, author of Ruling Planets, tells Mashable. "That includes dogs." His view is shared by others is the field -- as well as my best friend, who insists her humping Labrador is a Leo. (He's a Cancer, she just doesn't want to accept it.)
Whether you agree with the construct or not, one thing is clear: As astrology continues to thrive, so too will dog horoscopes.
It's just a matter of time.
SEE ALSO:Astrology is booming, and it's queerer than everFor astrologers, anything that has a birth date has a horoscope. Buildings have horoscopes. Robots have horoscopes. Even earthworms have horoscopes. We read them differently, for sure -- Virgo humans don't want the same things as Virgo dogs, thank god. (To be fair, I am open to eating cheese from a stranger's hand at any time.)
That doesn't mean the connection isn't there.
According to Renstrom, farmers as early as the 15th century used astrology to predict the welfare of their livestock and upcoming harvest.
"Horoscopes were drawn for livestock! They were drawn for crops. ... Animals belong to the Sixth House [a domestic sphere] in astrology"
Fast forward a few hundred years. Renstrom points to the popularity of certain pop astrological magazines in the 1920's and 30's, some of which included petscopes. Many of these magazines were modeled after popular movie magazines, helping petscopes achieve mainstream familiarity. The '60s, with its focus on free-thinking and "being high on drugs," helped resurrect the trend.
Here's how to better understand dog astrology without triggering your "WTF" muscle. If you accept the core astrological principle that all things, animate and inanimate, have a place in the universe, then it's easier to believe that dogs can have horoscopes too. A Sagittarius dog wants different things from a Sagittarius human -- belly rubs v. deep-tissue massages, for example. But the object of desire matters less than the desire itself. In astrological epistemology, all Sagittarius dogs have the very same drama queen vibes. They're just manifested differently.
Renstrom points to none other than Barbara Streisand, who had her dog cloned, as an example. Both dogs shared the exact same genetic material but allegedly had very different personalities. Renstrom believes that their differing birthdays -- and subsequent separate birth charts -- explain part of the personality difference.
"It's not that much of a jump to draw up a dog's astrological chart or map out his or her personality," Renstrom says. "We're already thinking about it in terms of a breed."
Via GiphyRenstrom gave Mashable a nice breakdown of the zodiac signs for pups:
Aries dogs: always working out who's on top and who's on bottom. These are the alphas so you better be on top of your game.
Taurus dogs: extremely territorial and possessive. Always hungry. Knows how to work the dinner party to get guests to hand them food.
Gemini dogs: need lots of mental stimulus. Love to learn tricks. Most likely to pretend they don't know you while they go friend somebody else's owner at the dog park.
Cancer dogs:natural hunters and retrievers. Their ruling planet is the Moon, named after the Diana Goddess of the hunt (who was always accompanied by a dog)
Leo dogs. Love to be groomed. Love to be fussed over. Most likely to take over your seat on the couch.
Virgo dogs: the step-and-fetch dogs of the zodiac. These are the ones the frat boys train to go fetch a beer from the fridge.
Libra dogs: excellent at lounging around and somehow always manage to take a flawless picture. They rule at dog shows and live at the groomers.
Scorpio dogs:will sniff every available orifice. Fond of burying their noses in your underwear. Most likely to appear suddenly with some article of clothing or toy that you keep secret.
Sagittarius dogs: watch 'em like a hawk. Most likely to wander off in search of faraway places. Very vocal. Drama Queens of the dog world. Buoyant and upbeat.
Capricorn dogs:cool and stand-offish. Needs you to be the disciplinarian. If they ever suspect you're not in charge will throw you shade in a "Talk to the Paw" sort of way.
Aquarian dogs:very intellectual. They need to think long and hard about the command you gave and then they'll decide if they're going to obey it or not.
Pisces dogs: will adopt almost anyone as a member of the pack - whether it's a house guest or the new canary. very welcoming. Most likely to show the burglar where the silverware is.
Renstrom isn't alone in this field. Matthew Currie, who helps people read their dog's birth charts (as well as their own), believes that even the smallest, simplest of creatures has a place in the zodiac. People who are skeptical that their late-August dog doesn't seem like a Virgo should also research their dog's moon sign and read their entire birth chart:
"Astrology done properly looks at the entire birth chart, not just the sun sign," Currie says. "Everyone and everything has a birth chart. Your business has a birth chart. Godzilla has a birth chart! You just need to know the birth time, date and place."
Currie cautions that it may be a challenge for some owners who adopt their dogs from shelters to examine their dog's birth chart. Still, he suggests they can use the adoption date as a reference point for exploration.
Adoptions, like physical births, have their own kind of birthdates. It just takes a slightly different kind of framing.
Understanding your pet's horoscope can have real value for the pets themselves in astrological thinking -- even if your very bright corgi just isn't digging it. Health problems can sometimes be spotted. The relationship between the pet and its owner can be read from its chart. Astrologers can also establish complementarity. (Will an Aquarius dog mesh well with a Leo human?)
"If you're looking for a dog that was compatible with you," Currie says, "Ideally you'd have the date, time and place of birth for the dog."
There's a real demand for pet astrology. Renstrom tells me that clients have asked him to use their pet's birth chart to respond to serious questions about their behavior. One client even asked him if their dog should have a limb amputated. (Renstorm cautions that astrology is one source of knowledge among many.)
"People want to know, 'Why is my Chihuahua freaked out when I take her out?!,'" Maressa Brown, an astrologer, told Mashable. "Just as it is with humans. [Astrology] is one piece of the puzzle. There's environmental factors and innate things. But astrology is one more tool to understand any one thing with a personality."
Still, petscopes are largely absent from the digital landscape. Some could accuse the human community of "speciesism" -- failing to imagine a cosmological universe for dogs because we don't see them as equals. I also imagine that there aren't many petscopes available because (1) Dogs can't read; (2) Even if dogs couldn't read, they wouldn't understand astrology and; (3) Dog media pivoted to video.
Via GiphyWhether you're open to astrology or not (not all of our readers are, I'm reminded daily on Twitter), we can all agree on this: everything and everyone has a place in the universe -- dogs, humans, cats, earthworms, even Donald Trump Jr. Just because we don't like all things in it (I'm way more open to gerbils than Trump Jr. for example), doesn't mean they don't have value.
Your cavalier belongs to the stars.
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