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Trump's MOST DISHONEST AND CORRUPT MEDIA AWARDS OF THE YEAR are supposedly tomorrow, and everywhere you go you can feel the lack of anticipation in the air.
Too bad. I loveawards season. And just because these particular awards are a pernicious assault on the free press and were devised by a president whose brain has been deep fried in canola oil, it doesn't mean we can't make a few blue carpet prognostications.
Over the past year, the MSM has worked tirelessly to help keep the president up at night, stress-eating cheeseburgers and screaming at Jared like Trumpy Dearest from underneath his bathrobe.
For that, they should be honored.
SEE ALSO:Stephen Colbert and Trevor Noah launch their campaigns for the 'Dishonest Media Awards'Here are our predictions for every category Trump is likely to devise, as well as a list of projected winners.
CATEGORY: "Dumbest Fake News Reporter"
Joe and MikaCredit: Gavin bond/nbc/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty ImagesNominees: Don Lemon, Mika Brzezinski, Ana Navarro, whoever wrote that SNL skit that said Bannon was president
Projected winner:Don Lemon.Trump has already called Don Lemon the "dumbest man on television." In his defense, we should trust Trump's opinion because he's, like, really smart.
CATEGORY: "Best Man in Media"
Nominees: Alan Dershowitz, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, the corpse of Roger Ailes
Projected Winner: Sean Hannity.He tops Trump's list for sheer slavishness alone, but he'd also like to give an honorable mention to Twitter user @WhiteGenocide666 for excellence in frog memes.
CATEGORY: "Best Woman in Media in a Skirt"
Laura IngrahamCredit: chip somodevilla/Getty ImagesNominees:Tomi Lahren, Laura Ingraham, Ann Coulter, Judge Jeanine Pirro
Projected Winner: Jeanine Pirro. Pirro has never once questioned her support for Trump, and she manages to stan for authoritarianism while wearing four-inch heels.
CATEGORY: "The Roy Cohn Lifetime Achievement Award"
Roy Cohn, a close friend of Trump's and chief counsel to Joseph McCarthy during the Cold War era, poses with his book.Credit: The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty ImagesNominees: Donald Trump, Schmonald Trump, Fred Trump, The Man Who Makes That Beautiful Chocolate Cake
Projected Winner: Donald Trump. Every world leader knows that Trump is a much better president than Obama, probably the best in history, as well as the best jobs president God has ever created.
CATEGORY: "Best Performance on Sunday Morning Talk Shows"
"If we let fewer men into the country, women will HAVE to date me." pic.twitter.com/zlSYUeJz79
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) August 2, 2017
Nominees:Reince Priebus, Kellyanne Conway, Stephen Miller, Mike Pence
Projected winner:Stephen Miller.While Miller might look rigid from the outside, he's got a soft cushy spot for educated Neo-Nazis behind all of his layers of lizard epidermis.
CATEGORY: "Best Time Covers of Trump"
Nominees:
The magazine from Aug. 15, 2015.Credit: alex wong/Getty Images
The issue from Jan. 18, 2016.Credit: aaron bernstein/Getty Images
The fake Time cover of Trump he had photoshopped and framed for Mar-a-LagoCredit: angel valentin/The Washington Post/Getty ImagesProjected Winner: The Trump cover he had photoshopped. This is a Trump-branded product, which signifies excellence all around the world. Just ask the graduates of Trump University.
CATEGORY: "Biggest Failing Network and/or Newspaper with Terrible Ratings"
Maggie Haberman of The New York Times.Credit: Getty Images for New York MagaziNominees: CNN, The New York Times, Jeff Bezos' Washington Post, Trump's daily security briefing
Projected Winner:The Failing New York Times. Watch out for Trump's daily security briefing, however -- it's a strong contender in the race, since Trump gives his briefing a failing grade for lacking the requisite number of mentions of his name per sentence.
CATEGORY: "Best Original Anti-CNN GIF or Meme"
Nominees:
#FraudNewsCNN #FNN pic.twitter.com/WYUnHjjUjg
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 2, 2017
Sheriff David Clarke sends graphic tweet slamming the press amid reports of FBI probe https://t.co/WCy4lukitB pic.twitter.com/HrFuIYp8Uv
— Business Insider (@businessinsider) December 31, 2017
Projected Winner: Twitter user @SLandinSoCal's original illustration, "Trump Train Kills CNN Reporter at dusk."Trump would have gladly kept this meme up on his Twitter account, if only Hall Monitor Kelly, who does not understand Trump's media genius, wasn't Chief Killjoy.
CATEGORY: "Best Original Tweet by Donald J. Trump"
Nominees:
With all of the Fake News coming out of NBC and the Networks, at what point is it appropriate to challenge their License? Bad for country!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 11, 2017
North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un just stated that the “Nuclear Button is on his desk at all times.” Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 3, 2018
Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me "old," when I would NEVER call him "short and fat?" Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend - and maybe someday that will happen!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 12, 2017
Projected Winner:"My Button Works"simply must win, since it caused he greatest amount of international anxiety incited per character.
CATEGORY: "Best Story Featuring Big Pictures, Not Words"
Nominees:
Bustle, "What to Do if Your Partner Wants You to Pee on Them"
The Daily Beast, "Andrew Breitbart's Photo of Anthony Weiner's Penis Helped Donald Trump Become President"
WikiHow, "How to Make a McDonalds BigMac -- 11 Steps With Pictures"
Projected Winner: Breitbart's weenie photo,for the role it played in taking down Crooked Hillary Clinton.
CATEGORY: "Best News Show My Incredible DVR Machine Plays"
Nominees:Fox & Friends, Justice with Judge Janine,Hannity, reruns of The Apprentice
Projected Winner: The Apprentice,with a special thanks to Frederick Douglass, whose contributions are being recognized more and more!
CATEGORY: "Most Stable Genius in Media"
Via GiphyNominees: Rudy Giuliani, Rupert Murdoch, Chris Christie ... Donald Trump!
Projected Winner: Donald Trumpis the projected winner of the most prestigious MOST DISHONEST AND CORRUPT MEDIA AWARDS Award.
An early congratulations to the President for his historic achievement at the groundbreaking awards ceremony he came up with while throwing wrappers at the TV. Who needs "Medals of Freedom" and "Volunteer Service Awards" when you can instead have the MOST DISHONEST AND CORRUPT MEDIA AWARDS?
It's his most significant self-awarded award to date, and this is only Season 1 of our dystopia.
Here's to whatever the hell is next.
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