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When Sheryl Sandberg announced Facebook's new extended bereavement leave policy, scores of people took to Facebook to applaud the move. The new policy allows up to 20 days paid leave to grieve immediate family members and 10 days' paid leave for extended family.Flexibility is invaluable in the immediate aftermath of a death, particularly when you're not only dealing with acute grief, but the logistics of losing someone. But a psychologist cautions that employees shouldn't be expected to fully resolve their grief in that limited time frame.
SEE ALSO:Facebook to give employees more time to grieveIn the announcement on her personal Facebook page, Sandberg discussed her "nightmare" experience of losing her husband Dave in 2015 and her gratitude to Facebook for providing flexibility when she needed to recover.
But not every company is like Facebook. In the UKand U.S., employees have no statutory right to paid bereavement leave, which means the duration of an employee's leave is entirely at the discretion of their employer.
The logistics of loss
A death in the family creates a lot of things to do, which can feel like the dismantling of a life. As well as registering a person's death and arranging a funeral, there are bank accounts to close down, credit cards to cancel, a house to sell and a will to read. These logistics in the immediate aftermath of a death can be costly, time-consuming and profoundly stressful -- but these arrangements also require a presence of mind and time away from work.
"You wouldn’t expect someone to resolve their grief within 10 or 20 days."
Thirty days after losing her husband, Sandberg penned a moving essay about those immediate days following his death. "I have lived thirty years in these thirty days. I am thirty years sadder. I feel like I am thirty years wiser," wrote Sandberg. Dr Kate Lovett -- consultant adult psychiatrist and dean of the Royal College of Psychiatrists -- describes this initial period as "acute grief," which can involve feelings of denial, disbelief, emotional numbness, tearfulness, and anger towards the deceased. There can also be physiological symptoms like panic attacks, insomnia, and anxiety symptoms; all of which can vary in duration.
"You wouldn’t expect someone to resolve their grief within 10 or 20 days. It takes a lot longer than that. It could take six months or even a couple of years before they restore their energy levels," says Lovett.
"I would see Facebook's policy as being very supportive. Any employee would be very grateful for the time to make family arrangements and practical issues. But, some people are going to need longer than that," she says.
Grief can't be parceled up
When my grandmother died, I found myself wrestling to contain my grief so I could be on form for work. I spent around 10 days gathering myself, spending time with my family and supporting my father. In hindsight, this time was important.My grief for my grandmother, and my profound sadness for my dad -- who'd just lost his last surviving parent -- continued beyond those 10 days, however. For months afterwards, I'd be sitting at my desk when my thoughts would flit to my father or my grandmother and tears would well in my eyes. I'd try to blink them away, but they'd fall onto my laptop keyboard. I worried that the colleague facing me would notice; that perhaps my eyes looked red and blotchy; that people might think me unprofessional. Eager to ensure I wasn't seen crying at my desk, I took myself off for walks or I'd sit on the bathroom floor to regain my composure. Despite my best efforts, my grief couldn't be parceled up into a 10-day window. And, I'm not alone in this.
Grief extends beyond timeframes
When PR Antonia Taylor's dad died when, she thought she'd be OK to go back to work within a week. But, when she had a "relapse" months later, she found herself feeling isolated and struggling to cope at work; something which took years to resolve.
"I just didn’t have the understanding to accept that the grief of losing my dad would be something I had to deal with for the rest of my life."
"At 28 I just didn’t have the understanding to accept that the grief of losing my dad would be something I had to deal with for the rest of my life," says Taylor. She spent a lot of time in the loos, and she found the high pressure environment hard to keep up with when she felt she was "drowning inside"."Some days I’d be fine and then I’d just be utterly sabotaged by it for no apparent reason," she continued. Taylor worries that having 20 days off to grieve might unintentionally create a pressure to deal with everything within that timeframe and return to work on top form.
When Megan West -- a marketing executive -- lost her father a year ago unexpectedly, her employer pushed her to return to work sooner than she was ready. When she returned, family arguments and emotional reminders of her father interrupted her work day. She believes Facebook's new policy is "fantastic" and that all companies should be more flexible about bereavement leave. But, she believes that there shouldn't be a timeframe for grief, because it's such an individual experience.
Throwing yourself back into work
For some, going back to work is extremely helpful. Louis Rynsard -- account director at PR firm SBC London -- says that when his grandfather passed away, he found that he coped best with his grief by throwing himself into work. "Although of course, in a different position one may need those 10 days to organise funeral arrangements and the like."Sandberg, too, noted in her essay that the transition back to work had been "a saviour" and "a chance to feel useful and connected". But returning to work wasn't easy, and she says her colleagues had "a look of fear in their eyes" because they weren't sure how to help her.
When asked for comment, Facebook pointed Mashablein the direction of Sandberg's announcementon her Facebook page, so it's unclear whether the time off can be taken over a prolonged period of time, rather than all at once.
Grief takes many forms, and -- depending on the person and the situation -- cannot always be contained within a fixed time period. Facebook's leave policy is a supportive solution for workers experiencing acute grief and dealing with the practical aspects that come with a death.But, for many, the loss of a family member will take months, years or even decades to come to terms with, and all companies could and should be more cognisant of the long-term impact of grief, and the need for long-term workplace flexibility.
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